Sometimes I feel like I am running out of time. I'm notorious for planning excessively and anticipating too much. When I was doing theatrical improvisation for a few years in high school we trained and trained on how to stay "present": how to block out past and future and just thrive in the moment. I've lost sight of a lot of that training. I am sure it has a lot to do with how much of a control freak I can be (not that I get that from either of my parents or anything...).
I am so used to rushing things, not necessarily because I want to move on, but simply because it usually meant I was functioning at optimum efficiency. That's not the case with motherhood. I've been trying to re-train myself to be present. To "stop and smell the roses", for want of a better phrase.
Most of the time when I am doing homework, Little Lady is right there in my lap; sometimes awake, sometimes asleep. I have to constantly remind myself to take breaks for more than just her crying or feeding. I am doing better. When she "talks", I talk back (I know it's just a matter of years until that switches). When she sleeps, I pause to just watch her little belly when she breathes. I love to watch her when she focuses her gaze at different things, even if I can't figure out what it is, I take a few seconds to try.
I guess that's what being a mother is all about, not that I have it down or anything... I have realized though, that it's about trying. It's about being there for my Little Lady even if she doesn't need me at that moment. It's being present. I've tried to take the phrase, "I can't wait until..." out of my vocabulary, because, you know what? I can wait. I waited 22 years to meet the first little spirit that Heavenly Father wanted to bless me with. I can wait any number of months or years to hear her first vocalize her thoughts, or fit into those shoes, or take her first steps or go on school field trips together.
When I was still in the hospital after Little Lady was about two or three days old, the nurse came in around 2:00 am to take her for some routine tests. I don't know if it was exhaustion, or the feeling of being overwhelmed, or brief onset of postpartum depression, or a combination of them all, but I broke down. It was the first time since she had been born that she was being taken from me and I couldn't go. I had to stay in bed. It hurt my heart. I thought about what it would be like when she grew up and took off. How it must have felt for my parents and their parents... I think the 18 years it takes to prepare a child to become a self-sufficient adult simultaneously prepares a parent to let their child go off into the world.
If I could have it my way, I don't know if I would choose to keep her a tiny baby for any longer than she probably will be. I guess it is best that it is not my way, but His way. I'm glad their is someone who can see the big picture, so I don't have to everyday. I am forever grateful to have a Heavenly Father who has offered us an eternal perspective, but only expects us to work towards it one day at a time- even one decision at a time. I am thankful for the roses He has put on the Earth and the time He has given me with my daughter to smell them.
So tomorrow, I'm taking Little Lady to smell some roses. Lead by example, right?
Unwrapping the Gift of the Present,
D
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